Well, here we are at the remake, reboot, re-re something. Anyway, I hope it’s not terrible.
A girl is wandering the woods and there is a figure running out there as well. She hides behind a tree, gets bagged over the head and knocked out with a blunt shot to the head from a gun. Also booty. She wakes up and still has the bag over her head. There is some lady in there with dead animals and reading from the Book of the Dead. The girl just wants to go home. It’s the girl’s own dad that is with her and says that these people are here to help. The girl killed her mom, come to find out. Nice! We see burn bitch in the book and he pours some liquid on her dome. He lights the match, and the girl is possessed and is one bad bitch. Daddy says he loves her and shoots her with the shotty. That was a fun opening.
We have a jeep driving, probably to some cabin in the woo…….no shit. Kent was right. We meet Olivia, she is the brunette, and Natalie who is David’s girlfriend. And of course, there is Eric, the douche bag whiny guy. He can die. Oh, hey there’s Mia, David’s sister, and she is drawing. He gives her some necklace for strength, and she just dumped some drug substance down a well, as they are going to quit cold turkey. I like cold turkey, with bacon, mayo, cheese, more bacon, maybe a little lettuce. Mmmm. Mia sure doesn’t shut up about their dead mom.
Olivia said that they did this last year with Mia swearing off the drugs, but it did no good. Apparently Mia had a massive OD, almost died. I remember this movie bit by bit, I have seen this before. I don’t think I liked it. Mia claims to smell something dead and is acting like a jackass, and the dog sniffs under a rug that really tied the room together, and it was covering up a cellar, and that’s where the smell was coming from. They find the ceremony room from the opening. Time to discover the book. Paint by numbers here. Eric seems quite obsessed with the book. He is so far my least favorite character, but maybe he will get cool. Doubt it.
If I may make an observation. With most remakes of the past 10-15 years, in horror at least, they seem to give us way more detail, whether it be Freddy or Michael’s back story, or in this case, we see way more of the book, more details. Oh, Mia just puked and Eric just read from the book and summoned the spirit, because he’s smart, like S Mart. Mia wants to go home, and everybody is like, no, stop being a fuckhead. and Mia rips off her necklace, goes in her room, escapes through the window and drives off. I hope she gets tree raped. With her excellent driving skills, because she’s a woman and all, she almost hit somebody, and veered off the road and crashed. Good job!
Boy, they are overusing and abusing the camera fast through the forest perspective. Oh and Mia ended up in like a pond and is being chased. Woohoo, a vine has her arm. O h she is getting it now. Time to give her some wood. We see what’s her tits from the beginning, and she pukes out this black something snake-like, and it crawls up into Mia’s gaping vagina. And the group find Mia.
I am bored by this already. The dog’s name is Grandpa. And he is dead. Grandpa was my favorite part of this whole movie. David speculates that Mia did it. Mia is fully clothed in the shower. There is a fire in the bathroom and the water is scalding the shit out of her. So now it’s time to drive. David is taking her. Sooo yeah, they can’t go due to the water or something. I wasn’t paying attention.
At the cabin, Mia comes walking out all possessed and has the shotgun. She shoots David in the shoulder. Now the demon starts speaking about how one by one, it will take them, and they will all die tonight. Olivia goes for the gun, but Mia mounts her and pukes blood all over Olivia. Eric locks her in the basement.
Olivia cleans up, looks in the mirror, sees her face looking all fucked up, and then she stops, and she is possessed now. 45 minutes to go. Yeah. Eric goes to check on Olivia who is cutting her mouth to open wider. She stabs him in the shoulder, picks up a syringe and just works him. Eric bashes her head in with a piece of the sink or something. They remove the knife out of him, and they don’t have Olivia’s medical expertise now.
Mia is calling to Natalie for help, so Natalie smartly goes down to check on her. She gets scurred, she crawls out but gets pulled back in. Mia bites Natalie in the hand, has a box cutter, slices her tongue like a snake and goes to make out with Natalie. David comes to the rescue. Mia wants David to come down and get his dick sucked. I say you go for that dude. He instead chains the door shut because according to Mia, Mia is getting raped in hell.
Eric is unsuccessful at burning the book of the dead, to nobody’s surprise. Natalie’s hand is turning all possessed and just breaking down slowly. Yup, she’s got it and Mia watches. Natalie makes the decision to cut her arm off with an electric knife. Would that work? Haha, Eric calls David a coward, and he wants to burn down the building. Natalie has a nailgun and just shot the shit outta the boys. Eric just took 15-20 nail shots. David took like 5 to the leg. And then she is outta there. David goes for the shotgun and is getting beat to fuck with a crowbar wielding Natalie. Eric shoots her with the nail gun. She broke his hand and hit him in the head 2 times, he looks to be near dead, maybe dead. She goes for one more hit, but David shoots her arm off. She starts talking like normal, and Eric is laughing.
David is bringing Eric outside, and it’s time for David to burn down the building like Milton in Office Space. David has poured gas all over the place, and she lights his lighter, but he is too much of a pussy. “I can’t do this.” says the pussy. So he gets tools, including a chainsaw to attempt to appeal to old school fans. And the crowd went mild. David goes downstairs, gets slashed at by Mia, Eric with the save again. Eric is the MVP of the group. That makes me incredibly sad. Eric is dead. So NOW we have to rely on David’s dumbass? I hate everybody. Time to put a red dress on bitchtits, I mean Mia. He put a bag over her head and is burying her, and she is crying for help.
Now his dumbass digs her back up and he tries to revive her. Sir, how are you going to explain any of this to the families? Well, now he says that she is at peace. I wish I could say the same. Yay, she’s back up and talking normal. FUCK YEAH…..woooo. I am so happy, brother and sister. Yeah. He goes and gets the car keys and leaves her on the porch. He grabs a picture of the gang, and Eric just stabbed him in the neck. Good for Eric. SO David locks the door so Mia can’t come in, and David shoots the gas can, and everything explodes, and Mia cries because she’s cool. Then she stops and picks up the necklace. Gotta have that necklace. Well, it starts raining blood. So fuck you skank. A body is coming out from the ground. Soooo, we still have to follow society’s standards and have a woman last at the end. FUCK you writers, directors, producers, etc. I am so sick of this sexist bullshit. You know what? I refuse to finish commenting on this film in protest.
Stuff happened.
End film.
Let me start by saying that I went into this trying to view this as its own film. Basically pretend that I had never seen the first films. I think this would have had the potential to be good. The problem was, none of the characters were likable. Furthermore, without the comedy of the original, this movie became way too serious, and with a blot like this, you need some levity to get through the grind. The switch between David to Mia as the hero was an absolutely awful decision. They had a chance to earn praise from me for at least seeing through and having a guy be the survivor, but they went total cliche. Stupid mother fuckers!!! David sucked, but Mia was worse. Olivia was probably the best. I think if you have never seen the franchise, this would be best to see first and forming an opinion, but then you may hate it, or not get the humor of the original. Either way, this was an abysmal movie, and that’s a shame. This should have been a slam dunk for a 6.0 but instead, they fell into the current horror traps. Too dark, no comedy, no likable characters, no nudity, Ash only in the credits. This whole thing made me angry.
Final rating: 3.5 I wanted to give it a 3.0, a 3.5, and a 4.0, so I guess this my way of trying to cut it some slack. I don’t recommend it and never want to see it ever again.