Up to this point in time, this is what most of us knew about M. Night Shyamalan (I will probably call him Sham for short). We knew that he captivated morons with The Sixth Sense. We knew that he lost a lot of idiots but gained me as a fan with Unbreakable, which is quite underrated. Then he killed it with Signs. He brought back Joaquin Phoenix and presented an interesting trailer. People still considered him a genius and a rising talent, despite making such a predictable twist in 6th Sense. I feel the need to insult fans of that film every opportunity that I get. Also, if you want a film that does everything the 6th Sense does, but much much better, go watch Stir Of Echoes. Trust me, it’s superior. Anyway, time to eat some Count Chocula and see if I enjoy this film any more or less than I did 17 years ago.
Start Film
Man, this cast is fantastic. Aside from Joaquin, you have Sigourney Weaver, William Hurt, Bryce Dallas Howard, Adrien Brody, Brendan Gleeson, Celia Weston, and Jesse Eisenberg before he was well known. Drink every time you hear “Those We Don’t Speak Of”. Go ahead. Also, I’m abbreviating that to TWDSO. Hey Lucius (Joaquin), looking dapper. Lucius wants to go into the forbidden woods to get medicine to bring back to help his community, of The Village. He is asking the elders for permission. Jeffrey Jones should be in this film. So they think that there are coyotes, but are the TWDSO? The TWDSO are much larger creatures, supposedly.
Kitty, played by Judy Greer who is al delightful, asks permission from her dad, William Hurt, to get married to Lucius. They’ve never discussed marriage though. So yeah. She professes her love to Lucius. He has such a great look on his face. Immediately, the next scene is Kitty lying down and crying. HAHAHAHAHA. I don’t know if that was meant to be as hilarious as it was to me. Seriously bitch, you’re doing it all wrong.
Haha, some idiot is standing on a tree stump outside the boundaries with her friends egging him on. What the fuck does egging someone on really mean? What a weird-ass saying. Hey, if you do this dumb thing, I’ll give you an egg. If you keep doing it, I’ll give you another egg. 3 more minutes and you get a fucking omelet. By the way, thee nearby towns are wicked. Okay, the guy lost all courage as he heard branches snapping.
The guys are playing a game where they get hit with a stick. That looked kinda fun, as long as you don’t get hit in the balls. Adrien Brody is underrated as an actor when he gets a unique role. He has some kind of mental problem as character Noah Percy. The weird thing is that this film is LOADED with very talented performers. Ivy is the sister of Kitty and apparently, she can kinda see a little of Lucius despite her blindness. She has a thing for Lucius, and maybe he does too. Noah first gives her a frog and then gave her bad berries that are the bad color.
Sigourney plays the role of Alice, Lucius’ mother. I have to be honest, I am not feeling her in this role. She has a black box full of things from the past that she wants to remain hidden or unseen. Jesus, the dialogue is not the greatest. That rocking chair looked horribly uncomfortable.
So is yellow the good color and red the bad color? Lucius just found more berries or the red color beyond the boundary. Keep in mind, I kinda remember the twist, but not all of it. Well, shit, something just walked past, but Sham ain’t showing shit, pardon the alliteration. Kitty is in love with Cristop Crane and is now spoken for. So now Ivy can receive interest from gentlemen. Looking at you Lucius. Get you some of that blind ass.
During night watch, the dude sees someone or something in red, probably the TWDSO. He must ring the bell. Everybody to the windows, to the walls. Or in this case, everyone to the cellars. Noah is so excited. And he just can’t fight it. Now, what in the blue hell was that thing in the red cloak. Ivy ain’t scurred. Kitty is begging Ivy not to let them in. As the red approached, Lucius grabs her by the hand and whisks her inside, and closes the door in the most poetic of movement. Sham, you magnificent bastard!
The creature has left a diagonal red paint stripe on a door. Lucius reveals in a letter to the elders that he is the one who crossed the border. Is this where Robert Kirkman got his idea for the Whisperers? There is so much food at these meals. Like, it looks like a roast for every 4-6 people. Two dudes present an offering to the creatures, some slaughtered animal. Oh, maybe it was a feast for the wedding. An old lady is talking to Ivy about how she had an older sister and she lost her life at 23 by a group of men in an alley near their home. Sooo yeah, have you figured it out yet? You probably aren’t reading this without knowing some aspect of this. Cristop is afraid of getting his shirt wrinkled.
Alice tries to chat up Mr. Walker, but he won’t touch her as Lucius alluded to earlier. Dancing and then there is a scream that Icy hears first, but then others do too. Apparently, more warnings were left. Yup, lots of warnings and livestock were de-feathered and skinned. Alopecia de-feathered me. This film could use Malachai and Isaac from Children of the Corn. Ivy admits that she wants to play the game where you stand on the stump. Awww, Lucius fears for Ivy’s safety before all others and will dance with her on their wedding night. That’s romance right there.
Noah is distraught over the news of Lucius and Ivy since he also loved her. So Noah visits Lucius and stabs him in the belly with a knife twice. Lots of rocking chairs here. Noah returns home with his hands covered in blood and he just goes on about the bad color. Now the girls are gossiping. Even in a “period time thriller” such as this, thank you Wikipedia for describing it with such gusto, bitches still gotta gossip. Ivy heads straight to Lucius’ house. She has this memorized quite well. Uh oh, Ivy cannot see his color. Time to drag away the hysterical girl. They should drug her up. That’s what they would do in a period time thriller, right?
Hahaha, Ivy comes in to confront Noah and slaps the shit out of him. Now Ivy asks for permission to travel through Covington Woods in hopes of getting medicines that will save Lucius. Lucius has bad infections, and Mr. Walker asks Dr. Victor basically if they had other means, would it save him. They have all taken an oath to never go back to the towns, well at least him and the elders. Mr. Walker used to be good at making money, but also that tainted his soul. They are by the old shed that should not be used. Gotta love these names. He tells Ivy to do her very best not to scream.
When I think of great ideas, I think, send the only blind person, a young female, alone in the woods to go to these wicked towns, out in the real world. When you have the opportunity to make that decision, you do that 50% of the time, every time. I wonder if yellow is the color of peace, perhaps. She is accompanied by Cristop and I don’t know who else. But they have magic rocks at the very least. Yes, cloak of the safe color. Finton is the other guy. I think Christop already bailed. Finton is also a total pussy. Seriously dudes, total fucking pussies. Well, we have our final girl. Damnit, this isn’t a slasher. Ivy just dropped the magic rocks, which appeared to be gold pieces.
Flashback to entering the shed that can’t be used. He makes her touch the red-cloaked costume. This shit is all farce, and all the sounds, ceremonies, sacrifices, etc are all done by elders. He gave her a pocket watch, that will do her a lot of good. He tells her that she can’t speak of where she came from when she reaches the towns.
Mr. Walker tells Alice about his decision to send Ivy and says that is all he can give her. They get close but never touch. The elders are giving Edward (Mr. Walker) the business. They are so pissed. Yeah, August Nicholson (Gleeson) for giving his approval. William Hurt just acted circles around everybody else there.
Less than a half-hour away from saying “What a tweest”. Ivy falls into a big hole but is holding on. I like that she was calm, didn’t panic, kept her wits about her. This is called making a good female character that isn’t a cliche. She is now covered in mud, so that has to be comfortable. There was a noise in the distance. She should use her mud like Arnold in Predator. Oh no, she is surrounded by red berries. There’s a growl, and it’s a red-cloaked monster. But her dad said that it was farce. She’s trying to hide, but she doesn’t really have the upper hand here. So who is the dick in the costume? It’s not Jason Voorhees. This person seems clumsy. It doesn’t help that she no longer has her cane. She is back by the pit of doom. Red charges, she sidesteps. Is this Bugs Bunny as a matador. Oh, it was Noah that did all the animal killings. Why was the family hiding the costume under floorboards? Noah, you’re F’d in the A. Ivy now as a nice stick. It’s a good substitute.
She found the hidden road. Good for her! Okay, so how about the twist being that she gets the medicine, and returns in time for Lucius to turn into a zombie and this was the inspiration for Resident Evil 8 called Village? Come on, it’s a cooler idea than what they went with, providing that you know the ending.
Edward is opening up his black box. What’s in the box? I just made 2 different Se7en comments in this. There’s a picture of the elders at a counseling center. They all lost people close to them.
Is this M Night. It’s a park ranger. I guess security, but not Sham. He asks her where she’s from, and she says from the Woods. This guy, seriously, like you’re not gonna help this blind girl. Does she need something like penicillin? This guy is named Kevin. She gives him the pocket watch as payment. There’s M Night sitting at the desk. Sham is a dick. This was a deal made with local authorities to keep things quiet. Oh yea, What a tweest! Kevin is nice, got the stuff and even a ladder to help her get back over the actual boundary.
Ivy has returned from the Wicked town. They know that Noah is dead and his death helps keep the legacy and the folklore alive, to keep the village’s funk alive. How long have they been here? All the Elders have survived so far. Ivy comes in and tells Lucius that she is back.
End Film
This wasn’t as horrible as I remember it. It isn’t horror at all. I’m not even sure if I can use Chris and my favorite term of “horror adjacent” on this one. There is death, sacrifices, and scary costumes….close enough.
This movie was justly ripped because the expectations were so high for a scary film. And he gave us a mystery film and it wasn’t bad. An absolute waste of Joaquin’s incredible talent. Brody shined way brighter. Bryce Dallas Howard was arguably the second-best performer, and then William Hurt. Lucius as a character wasn’t meaty enough for Joaquin.
I keep reading how this film is somehow about the Iraq War. This is my fucking problem. There’s nothing about Iraq here, for fuck’s sake. If you want to make a movie about Iraq, then do it. Don’t make us interpret every fucking detail. I’m so glad I didn’t go to film school because some pretentious fuck would have gotten into arguments with me. And they can go fuck off. I’m getting irritated just thinking about it.
M Night did a great job with the cinematography and gave plenty of points in the film where you could kinda guess shit. Also, this shouldn’t be labeled a period thriller film, because the period was at the time, modern-day. And that is the first mother fucking sentence on their Wiki. Ain’t that some shit!!
Final Rating – 6.0 – It really wasn’t bad at all. I think we all got hyped and excited and this didn’t live up to the expectations that we had, especially after the trailers. But expectations shouldn’t diminish the quality of this one. I’m just trying to be fair. I can rip on M Night later for gems like The Happening.
All the pictures used in this blog are for review purposes. They are the property of:
Please go find a copy and support the creators.