This week Canoe is asked to come out and play. I don’t know if this is an Offspring or The Warriors reference, but rest assured, I will have videos for both because that’s my contribution. We learn this week that goblins are dicks, Looney Tunes chicanery will always overcome monsters in battle, and that Tempest wasn’t the navigator that the group, but the navigator that the group deserved. With that being said, just as the group does early on with Ethyl, it’s time we keep ’em separated.
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Tomb of Annihilation
Chapter 7 – Canoe Come Out to Play
Upon finding the canoes, along with all of their supplies, missing, the party immediately began pointing fingers and accusing one another of letting this happen. After calming down, the party took a vote and found that it was all Ethyl’s fault.
Once they calmed down, the group made Ethyl stand in a corner while the rest of them began looking for any signs of the canoes. Eventually, Compassion found tracks leading into the jungle. It appeared that the goblins they had so kindly spared had stolen the canoes and were dragging them into the jungle. The party packed up what supplies they had left and headed into the jungle.
As Tempest was the only party member with any navigation experience, the party elected her to lead them through the jungle as she had down the river. Tempest tried to explain that land navigation, particularly in the jungle, is much different than water navigation. Xilix took a long draw from his pipe and told her, “nah, it’ll be ok.” When Tempest still seemed unsure, Hertz told her to, “fear not, as Talos will guide you.” Unfortunately, Talos, god of storms, is also bad at land navigation, and Tempest spent the next few days getting the party lost in the jungle.
On the first day of being lost in the jungle, Tempest managed to walk the group directly into a velociraptor hunting pack. As Tempest was leading, the five dinosaurs converged on her and chowed down on her tasty exposed flesh. While Hertz was able to magically heal Tempest to keep her from dying, he found that he was next on the menu.
Hertz hid behind his shield as the velociraptors tried to bite through his chainmail armor. Xilix and Ethyl tried to use their spells to drive the velociraptors off, but the dinosaurs were simply too hungry for that. Seeing that things were taking a turn for the worse, Compassion mounted Ducky and told Ethyl to, “hold my mead.” Compassion ordered Ducky to charge straight at the velociraptors. As he charged through the line, Compassion used his pike to skewer four of the dinosaurs. Seeing this, the last velociraptor tried to escape, but quickly found itself in Ducky’s dino-jaws, being eaten. As the velociraptors were already skewered, the party put them over a fire and had them for dinner that evening.
On the second day of being lost the party awoke to the ground shaking. At first, they thought it was an earthquake, until Gryff III came flying in to make a report to Xilix. According to Gryff III, three giants were wandering the jungle about a mile away. In giant steps that wasn’t very far at all. Holding a brief team meeting, and knowing they could not beat the giants in a direct fight, the party had to decide whether to run further into the jungle, possibly getting more lost, or to negotiate with the giants. While they all agreed that the giants might be a valuable source of information, they also agreed that getting killed by angry giants would suck. As such, based upon Gryff III’s location reports, they took a path that would keep them away from away from the giants.
Day three did not see Tempest getting the party back on track. As they stumbled ahead, hoping to pick the canoe-dragging trail back up, they noticed two gorillas high up in the nearby trees. Much to the party’s surprise and chagrin, the gorillas had five arms each. Assuming that it was too late to sneak by them if they were agitated, everyone took up defensive positions. Everyone that is, except Ethyl, who proceeded to cover herself in animal excrement, and her own natural perfume, to “mask her sent.” To her credit, when the five-armed gorillas did drop from the trees to attack, they had no interest whatsoever in touching Ethyl.
Unable to withstand the five-armed fury, the gorillas proceeded to beat the ever-loving-hell out of the party. Luckily, as one of the gorillas was about to strike a head-caving blow on Compassion, he was able to call upon his demonic heritage to protect himself. As two of the gorilla fists made contact with Compassion’s noggin, hellfire poured forth from Compassion’s eyes, mouth, and hands. The gorilla was quickly engulfed by the hellfire and reduced to a pile of ash.
With one gorilla left and the party on its last legs, Ethyl attempted to cast a damaging spell in the hopes of killing, or at least driving off, the remaining gorilla. Seeing Ethyl making a number of gyrations with her arms, the gorilla turned its attention to her and began to charge. It was clear to all that the gorilla would reach Ethyl before she could cast the spell. However, as she was gathering the magical energies, the magic within her once again grew wild, causing a third eye to temporarily manifest on her forehead. Seeing the third eye suddenly appear took the gorilla by surprise, causing it to hesitate. This hesitation was all Ethyl needed. She finished casting the spell, a huge flash of light enveloped the jungle, and when everyone in the party could see again they found that the last gorilla was now missing its head.
With the gorillas dead, most of the party set to work collecting the meat and harvesting the furs. Ethyl, who has servants for such things, used her new eye to survey the general landscape. About a mile down the way, Ethyl could see an unconscious dwarf propped up against a tree. After the gorilla harvesting was completed, the group went to investigate.
Upon finding the female dwarf, the party was quick to learn that she was totally dead. Upon further investigation, it became readily apparent (thanks to the six holes in her chest) that she had been hit with the business end of a stegosaurus tail. Upon searching her body (to prepare her for burial of course), Compassion found a goblin tribal mask among her possessions. Compassion pocketed the mask, thinking that it may come in handy when they met with the goblin tribe.
After another day of aimless wandering, the party had a secret meeting without Tempest. The group agreed that the best course of action was to go in the exact opposite direction than that proposed by Tempest in the morning. After implementing this plan, while they did hurt Tempest’s feelings, the group found the location of the goblin camp within a few hours.
Upon seeing the size and activity level of the camp, the group estimated that approximately 30 goblins resided there. Not wanting to take the risk of a combat engagement, the party once again engaged in plan, “use stereotypes and prejudicial beliefs to make Compassion look like a super scary demon.”
Once the magical effects had been applied, Compassion mounted Ducky and began walking into the camp with Hertz and Tempest walking alongside. Xilix and Ethyl stayed behind with fire spells ready. The plan was that, should the goblins become hostile, the spell casters would burn the goblin village to the ground.
Not wanting to mess with a dinosaur riding demon accompanied by armed guards, the goblin villagers immediately summoned their chief. Lady Wuzzelfoot Swampbelly introduced herself to the party in very well-spoken broken common and asked what business they had. In order to break the ice prior to negotiations, Compassion presented the goblin chief with the tribal mask they had found on the dead dwarf. Lady Wuzzelfoot appeared to be genuinely moved that a vile, stinking demon could show such . . . understanding and sensitivity to the wellbeing of others.
As negotiations ensued, Compassion explained that they wanted their canoes, food, water, and other supplies back. Unfortunately, Lady Wuzzelfoot made it immediately known that all of the food and water had already been consumed while Tempest was taking the party the long way around the jungle. While tempers did flare at times, especially when Hertz pointed to Xilix and Ethyl and said he “enjoyed eating roast goblin,” eventually the parties agreed that the adventurers would receive their canoes and all of their remaining supplies in exchange for a few gold worth of gems. Upon taking their leave, Hertz swore to himself that they would one day return with an army and teach the goblins that stealing is not okay.
After walking for a few hours, the party found a stream that led back to the main river they had been traveling down. The next morning, soon after they began traveling, the party noticed that they were being followed by a pack of five pterrans (pterodactyl men). As they were out of spell or bow range, the party simply kept a watch on them and continued their journey. For the next three days the pterrans continued to follow. It became abundantly clear that they were simply waiting for the party to succumb to one of the dangers of the jungle, at which point the pterodactyl men would loot and eat their bodies. This theory was proven true when the party was attacked by a giant snapping turtle.
As Tempest guided the canoes, she felt the head canoe move in such a way that they must have hit something. As she looked over the side of the boat to investigate, a giant turtle head came flying out of the water. Tempest tried to dodge, but the turtle was able to bite off a significant chunk of flesh from her right thigh.
Seeing the danger they were in, Compassion hopped on Ducky and had Ducky swim to engage with the giant turtle. With the party’s attention turned to the turtle, the pterran’s thought this was their chance, and they proceeded to dive-bomb the canoes. Anticipating their attack, Hertz lifted his holy symbol to the sky and called upon the power of Talos. A thunderous shockwave went off between the pterrans, injuring all of them. The two most seriously injured pterrans immediately fled, while the other three continued their descent.
Meanwhile, seeing that he and Ducky were about to be turtle food, Compassion came up with a Looney Toons inspired idea. As the turtle opened its giant mouth to attack, Compassion grabbed the shovel from his pack and shoved it in the turtle’s mouth. Struggling to close its mouth, the giant turtle failed to notice the barrage of Magic Missiles that Xilix had sent its way, causing significant damage to, and blowing a hole in, the turtle’s shell.
Seeing the hole in the shell, Compassion jumped from Ducky onto the turtle and thrust his lance deep into the turtle’s back, killing it. Compassion’s victory dance was cut short, however, as the turtle’s body immediately began sinking into the water. As Compassion was wearing heavy armor, he too began to sink into the rushing river. Luckily, Ducky, loyal companion that she is, swam under the water and pulled the waterlogged Compassion out. Meanwhile, seeing that the turtle was dead, the remaining pterrans attempted to flee. They soon found out that Xilix and Ethyl were not so forgiving, as a hail of firebolts were soon to following, killing them as they fled.
Exhausted, the party continued their journey downstream, wondering what they were going to tell the members of Camp Vengeance when they arrived without any supplies . . .
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As promised, here’s the Warriors clip. If you have never seen this fantastic film, stop reading because you are finished with this week’s chapter, go find yourself a copy of this film and enjoy life for a bit. Can yoooouu dig it?
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