This was a made-for-TV film that brings back Dee Wallace, but not as her original character….I guess. I’m already confused. I don’t recognize anybody else’s names in this film. This has the worst IMDB rating of the franchise so my expectations are incredibly low. Let’s just give it a whirl and hope for the best.
Start Film
Phillip sees what he thinks is a meteor and tells Drea who is very dismissive of him. Wow, even Wikipedia gave zero fucks about this movie with a whooping 2 sentences for the entire plot. Yikes. A guy on a bicycle sees the Critters and never gets to eat his sushi.
Is this the same house from the original….yet again? Well, this has some terrible bass-heavy music. Sheriff Lewis Haines lives here along with Drea and Phillip, at the very least. Are Drea and Phillip adopted? Nope, he’s their uncle. She works for the sushi place. Lewis seems like a genuinely nice dude. She’s all pissy because she didn’t get accepted to Leroy college. I wonder if Leeroy Jenkins attends? If you don’t get the joke, please watch this clip. It will always make me giggle.
I assume that this is Dee Wallace with some top-secret room behind bookcases level of shit. And she is keeping up on the Critters activity. So, did they not have the rights to the original name? That’s my best guess. Remember in part 4, eggs supposedly took 6 months to hatch. But now 25 years prior to the event of 4, they hatch overnight. Kevin was the name of the dude who died in the opening. The boss is making Drea deliver to Leroy College. Shawn works security at the college and has a raging clue for Drea and the bagpipes. Drea has an old ass car. It looks comfy. Gregory is the guy who ordered the sushi. I can’t tell if he’s goofy or just a douche. He doesn’t have cash for delivery. Seriously dude?
Actually, let’s have a minor tangent. I’m sorry, but in this era, all delivery places should have options to pay and tip in advance with a card. SO many people don’t carry cash on them. That’s a thing and businesses need to learn to adapt. There’s a couple of local pizza places that I adore that are cash only. But with that being said, you should always have some cash only you, even if it’s $20 in mixed bills. End rant.
Mandy is in this school and she and Drea used to be close and Mandy seems very weird to me. She wants to help Drea by offering her the name of Professor Lacey who is on the board of admissions and needs someone to watch her kids. I think that is Doug who just killed. These kills are fucking lame so far.
A ranger is out in the woods and sees an owl. And it shits on his face as he marvels at it. His name is Bob. The other male ranger is named John and the female is named Carol. Bob is showering and grabs a Critter accidentally and is killed. Carol and John are now dead. This movie is doing so much wrong.
Phillip is trying to look good to impress Trissy Lacy. Jake Lacy, the son only communicates via text. Trissy is supposedly smart though, at least. Wait, how old is Phillip and how old is Trissy? They appear to be about the same age, I thought she looked much younger. This is cringe all the way. Phillip has no game. Trissy is very full of herself. I like Jake because he doesn’t talk. They hear the Critters. Why does this one have white hair? Phillip suggests that it’s an alien because he’s obsessed with aliens. Trissy thinks this Critter is hurt and wants to help it. How does Jake’s phone last so long if he is on it all the time? They go to the ranger station. Critters are still feeding. Whitey is pissed and now one of the Critters is mad because Whitey left.
They’re in the car and a Critter that makes all the sound is in the trunk and alerting his pals. Oh yeah, Aunt D is on her way to do some work. Some technician guy just got killed. He may work for the phone or cable or electric company. Don’t know, don’t care. Oh god, not even halfway over yet. Oh, and now the kids have no signal for their phones. Okay, now Whitey’s name is Bianca.
Phillip gets his phone from the car to take a picture. He sees the red eyes in the trunk. He thinks that it’s an alien….naturally. Jake is being attacked. They go to head for the car but Trissy insists on bringing Bianca. So Drea goes back indoors alone, to get Bianca and iodine. Well, it appears that Bianca killed the aggressor. Now the car doesn’t want to start because it’s leaking some fluid. time to walk.
They walk to the police station. Lewis thinks this is some crazy shit. Lewis is basically refusing to even look or help. That’s good work. But he looks at Phillips’s phone to see the picture. Dee is a creepy hunter. I wish she was a bounty hunter. What the fuck kind of gun does she have? Did Charlie and Brad help her make it?
They go to see Chef. They show him, Bianca. He has freaked the fudge out. One Critter goes to attack Lewis, and he gets in his vehicle so the Critter knows enough to tear up everything underneath the vehicle. The sound of the siren freezes them in place until they explode. But he only killed one before the one below could chew enough wires. And now it’s in the backseat. Lewis shows up at the restaurant. Chef sees Kevin’s sneaker, and Chef is gonna slice them up with his knives. Ohhh, Lewis is dying. Lewis reveals that Drea’s mom had to pick Drea up at a party because he was drinking at a bar. And Lewis is dead.
The kids are in the can now. Lewis also revealed the secret to high pitch sounds. This is so bad. Yeah, come on Chef!!! He decapitated one. Dee arrives amidst the chaos, and she is clearly all-knowing. I made a nice buffalo chicken and sharp cheese salad and I only ate half of it. That makes me sad.
They go to Leroy college to get Shawn because of the bagpipes. But the bagpipes aren’t bothering the Critter. Shawn is also very dead. Jake finally talks and says that the Critters are giving chase because of Bianca’s scent. Time to visit Mandy. Mandy and Gregory are basically making fun of them. Girls arguing, yay. Super fun. Gregory decides that he needs to remove his shirt before running. He’s running to get Shawn’s keys. Gregory is a douche, but also delightful. The big ball of Critters are chasing Gregory like some Indiana Jones shit. Gregory just got got. Mandy should be next. Drea keeps saying that nobody’s going to die tonight. We have seen how many people die? They have seen how many people die? Then she says that they don’t need Chef. Uhmmm, bitch, yes you do. Oh, now it’s “nobody else is gonna die tonight”. Who wrote this dialogue? I would like to speak with them.
This is one of those films that I keep checking to see how much time has elapsed. Those are the worse. Oh my god, they have a numeric keypad that they have to figure out. Guessed it on the first try. So why even put it there if it causes no resistance? At least add some humor if it is going to be that simple. Bianca is pissy after seeing another Critter. So now they are going to leave Bianca alone to fend for herself. Okay. Please kill Mandy. Mandy sees some dude getting chewed upon. The van is now occupied by a Critter. The kids are running. Mandy arrives in a golf cart. The sinister Critter is staring them down.
They wonder why they’re running when they could be attacking these murderous beasts. They find an air horn. Nope, this is gonna suck wearing headphones. Yup. And the air horn kills 3. Thank you shitty film for giving me a headache. You shitty fucking film. Haha, now the horn won’t work. And the Critter reinforcements are approaching. Why was Bianca left in the bag? She got out and is gonna take on 3 of the darker variety Critters. Oh, the fight is on with Bianca and the kids fucking shit up to cheesy rock music. I think Bianca took on more than 3. Phillip with a pitchfork, then dart in the neck. Then Drea with a dart in her arm. Why is this quill so long? Like 3 times the normal length. She stabbed a Critter in the eye. Ohhhh the dialogue….oh goodness. The final Critter gets back up, but Dee shoots it. Oh, there are more and Dee is a bounty hunter. Alright. She is looking for the queen.
Is the final matchup going to be Dee versus Bianca? Will Dee kill Trissy just because? Dee finds Bianca and Bianca saves Dee from an angry one. So white Critters are female, and black ones are male. Ten years ago, I could have made a joke about a local bar here, but nope, not in 2021. Thank you cancel culture. You have managed to rob the world of comedy.
Okay, Dee and Drea are now going to take on the ball of Critters. Why is Phillip there? With 2 simultaneous blasts, they destroyed the ball. “Told you aliens were real.” says Phillip.
End Film
Fucking Hell, if this is what you’re gonna do to this franchise, please don’t do it again. The writing wasn’t good and the dialogue was dreadful. The random kills added nothing. If you want to say that it was to establish what they can do, well we already know because this is part 5. And if you need to do it, then show it more. Don’t be afraid of the moment. I am sure that the budget wasn’t very high. And for that reason alone, I am not going to blast this film as much as I want to.
Look, I was bored as evidenced by me checking the time at least 8 different times. I will say that the acting, by and large, wasn’t bad. It’s the content that they had to work with, and they did an admirable job. Drea, Trissy, Phillip, and Jake all did the best that they could as actors, I think. This was a situation where hopefully they had fun making the movie and learned from mistakes. Not all made for tv horror films are bad. Look at how good the recent Leprechaun Returns film was.
I know that most likely, anybody affiliated with this film won’t read this. But if they do, know that your effort is recognized. But you need to focus on the script and dialogue. The Critters are what they are from a cost standpoint. Get better writing and the next one could be a success if there is a next one. I kinda hope that there is one because I have really enjoyed this franchise.
Final Rating – 3.8 – I was bored at times. The pacing wasn’t always good. There were positives and negatives, but as a whole, it didn’t deliver. And 3.8 isn’t bad for a made for tv film.
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