This is a horror movie with Michael Fassbender. Sold? Good.
We have Steve and Jenny on a romantic weekend getaway in England perhaps. They go to a place named Eden Lake, and there’s even a sign and on the back of the sign, it says “Fuck off yuppy cunts”. They come across some kid who doesn’t like to talk to strangers. Steve’s shorts look comfy, well swim trunks. 2 kids show up and they are a dick to the one kid. Steve decides that boys will be boys. 3 more kids show up during the couple’s nap, and they also have a pissed off dog who is just barking at Jenny, so Steve has had enough. Oh, there are 6 kids in total, and they are disrespectful fucks. The boys are checking out Jenny’s small rack, so she covers up.
The assholes leave, obnoxiously. Steve and Jenny get ready for the night with firewood and a tent. Jenny keeps hearing shit. She is paranoid. He goes to check it out. He dicks around, scares her a bit, because why not. One of the kids put a bottle behind their tire, fucks up a tire, Steve is upset. Steve is hellbent on getting vengeance. He goes into the house where he thinks the kids are, but this guy comes home. He yells for Brett, one of the kids apparently. Steve sneaks out. That was silly.
They go back to the beach and are missing their beach bag, and that had the keys. Needless to say, Steve says Fuck a few times, and they get to stepping. Well, the kids try to run them over, but Steve jumps out of the way in the nick of time. So they find the kids at night around a campfire. Steve wants his stuff back. Jenny wants to leave it be. Steve ain’t having it. Well, Steve goes after the head dick, and another kid has a knife. The dog is let loose and the dog gets killed. They have the car keys, so they get to their vehicle. Steve has to drive like an idiot and gets stuck. Well, the gang attacks, he gets freed, and he drives like an idiot, rams into a tree where a tree branch has impaled him to his seat, so now she is on her own.
In the morning, she finds that Steve has been taken. She finds his sneaker. She finds where they have tied up Steve. He is trying to bargain with them, and they have a choke chain on his neck, and he is restrained via barbed wire. Paige is going to record on her phone one of the pussies of the group doing some cutting. The kids take turn cutting and stabbing and Jenny just watches. It’s Ricky’s turn next. Now Young Cooper’s turn. Jenny is trying to connect to Steve’s phone via Bluetooth. Cooper cuts up Steve’s tongue. Brett is the ring leader. Jenny gets away with this dumbest use of Bluetooth ever. They chase Jenny.
Steve breaks into the vehicle, gets a tire iron, swings, almost hits Jenny, and subsequently drops aforementioned tire iron. They hide in a shack, he is bleeding out. They hide under shack in water as the group stands above them. Steve is pretty fucked. Jenny impales her foot, finds the original kid who doesn’t talk to strangers, Ada, and she gets pimp slapped by the one black kid. Sweet.
They have Jenny and Steve tied up, sprayed with lighter fluid, and has Adam set them on fire. Brett is still a dick. She escapes thanks to the rope being set on fire. The kids burn Adam alive. Jenny finds a map and hides in a grotesque garbage receptacle. She makes a nice little knife out of her dress and shards of glass. Cooper comes up behind to innocently talk, and she jabs him. One kid finds Cooper, and he wants out, but Brett has the phone with video footage. Brett beats this kid’s ass, maybe have killed him.
Jenny makes it to a metal gated fence that just so happens to have a part that she can crawl under. She almost gets run over, and she tells the guy to get her out of there. This kid is Ricky’s brother. She steals the vehicle when the brother gets out. She just ran into Paige. May have killed her. Guess what, Jenny drove too fast, wrecked into a not moving vehicle.
She ends up at a party, and everybody is having a good time. SO she screams for somebody to help her. She then collapses. She wakes up to a lady helping her. Yeah, she’s with the family of the kids. She locked herself in the bathroom, gets a razor. Daddy is pissed and the kids have lied. But hey, Brett still has Steve’s Ray Ban’s.
End film
Eden Lake is highly rated, and I don’t know why. It’s about a couple who make mistake after mistake after mistake. Why is that a good film? Do you mean to tell me that Steve couldn’t have killed those kids before the dog got killed? It’s bullshit. Why the fuck did everybody drive so fast when non-athletic humans can’t run fast enough to keep up beyond 5 MPH? Everything was just stupid. The ending is absolutely frustrating. There’s no payoff. Nobody would question all of these missing people? It’s just inane. Sorry, when you try to make something believable, you can’t have that many holes. Not a fan. The acting was fine, but the script can eat a fat dick.
Final rating: 3.5 Well made, horrible script. (I probably rated this too low. There was a lot to like here, but it really is an infuriating film. It shouldn’t have a 6.8 on IMDB. That is a fact.)
All the pictures used in this blog are for review purposes. They are the property of:
- Rollercoaster Films (presents)
- Aramid Entertainment Fund (in association with) (presents) (as Aramid Entertainment)
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