WWE Hell In A Cell 2016 Review – The Screw You Boston Edition

WWE Hell In A Cell 2016 Review

Welcome ladies and gentlemen. My name is Kent Waldron, and I am the advocate for the wrestling 9 Deuce. Today, we need to talk about the HISTORIC, FIRST TIME EVER, caps lock filled, Hell in A Cell! Joining me today are 2 people that had no faith in Charlotte, the All-American American, Russ, and a lady among assholes, Keri. We will be doing this 9 Deuce Style because I lack originality.  I must note that I watched Hell In A Cell in a little more than an hour, so my analysis is very lacking.   Happy Halloween.

  1.  6 Man Cruiserweight Match – Cedric Alexander, Lince Dorado & Sin Cara def. Tony Nese, Drew Gulak & Ariya Daivari

Russ:  I didn’t watch it.  I’ll have to go back and take a gander at it as I heard it was decent.  Until then I can’t really comment on it.

Keri:  This was a decent match with decent spots. All in all it appeared to be another cruiserweight division preview match. Rich Swann in the pre-show interview was also entertaining. I’m starting to like this guy.

Kent:  Yeah, Cedric won! Wooo.  I didn’t watch anything aside from the last 20 seconds. Great match! I like Cedric a lot honestly, so I look forward to him and Rich Swan elevating the division now that the Dabber has lost his belt.

  1.  US Championship Match – Roman Reigns def. Rusev

Russ:  The match was very physical, which is to be expected of these two.  It wasn’t a bad cell match, but it barely gave us a reason that it had to be in a cell.  Roman needs to work on selling injuries more cause some of it was laughable.  The Kendo Stick to the chest… the accolade on the steps with a chain! If a regular accolade is supposed to be tourture then how the hell did Roman get out of that?  I was partially Kentertained so good for them.  

Rating:  5.9  

Keri:  I’ll be honest I was drifting in and out of consciousness during this match. But for the parts I saw I was impressed. This was a good match. The ending not so much but oh well. Good job guys. Rating: 6 out of 9.2

Kent: OK, I have an issue with this match in particular as I watched a good chunk of it.  WWE needs to really figure out if submissions win matches or are just going to be set up moves. I say this because I am sick and tired of wrestlers who win matches with submissions, have their finisher rendered useless in a match of this magnitude. If everybody was losing to Rusev with the Accolade, then it is beyond fucking retarded that Roman survived it twice, with the second time involving being on the steps and a chain wrapped around his face. THAT is some of the shittiest booking that WWE does, and this happens far more often than it should. I have no issue with Roman winning, I have an issue with Roman powering out of that second Accolade because it neutered the shit out of that move. SHAME!

  1.  Bayley def. Dana Brook

Russ:  This was bad.  I feel bad for Bayley.  Dana needs to get her shit together, cause I see where she can be really good, but tonight was not her night.  Right person went over at least.  Now end this immediately so Bayley can move on and forget this ever happened.  

Rating. 2.9  the reverse duece! Should be our equivalent of terrible.  

Keri:  Yea! I got to see Bayley and see her win! Dana, you’re awful. Go back to NXT, please.  That is all. Rating: 3 out of 9.2

Kent:  This got like 7 or 8 minutes, zero fucks were given after Bayley entered, and I hate to be that dick, but Dana is gaining weight, and it’s not looking good on her. I don’t mind big booty bitches, just saying, in WWE, you tend to have to look a certain way to be relevant, which is their decision and my concern is that I would like to see Dana go on to great success. Compare her when she was in the competitions to now, and yikes. I hope she gets back on track because once you are on the main roster, you tend to put on 10 pounds, unless you are Rusev. I think he has lost some.

  1.  Gallows and Anderson def. Enzo and Cass

Russ:  I was entertained by Enzo and Cass so that is worth something.  This was a short match, but the right duo went over.  If we are to take G&A seriously then they have to win matches like this.  I hope they continue on to maybe feud with another top tag …team… Who the hell can these guy legitimately feud with that aren’t New Day?  Do something with your Tag Division RAW!  Enzo and Cass’s humor was a touch sophomoric, but the crowd didn’t seem to mind.

Rating:  4.0 too short to really get a good match going.  

Keri:  Great promo work as always by Enzo and Cass. However, I feel like this time it was a little too much and distracted everyone from a match that was far too short. At least Anderson and Gallows finally got a much needed win. Rating: 4 out of 9.2

Kent:  Just when I thought it was laughable to put on an eight minute match, we get a 6 minute tag match because Enzo wanted to talk, which is fine, but it’s not really fair to their opponents, especially on nights when they aren’t funny at all, like tonight. Glad that G&A finally won.

  1.  Red Belt Match – Kevin Owens def. Seth Rollins

Russ:  The match itself was fun.  Great sequences, and the spots all hit the right note.  Especially that powerbomb through the tables!  Both performers gave us a good match so we can’t complain about that.  I even like that Jericho locked himself in with the key so they “couldn’t” get back in.  Little details like that worked well.  Unfortunately, the match never elevated to great status.  Maybe, it was because of the forgone conclusion.  We knew that Owen’s wasn’t losing the belt and we also knew that Jericho would come along at some point.  I guess they are going to save the friends turn for after Survivor Series which is fine.  I’m not sure where Rollins goes from here.  He has already defeated Jericho twice on RAW recently, so feuding with him seems dumb.  There is nothing new to the HHH vs Rollins yet so we can’t even get that going yet.  

Rating: 6.9 (Kent: Russ, your fanboy card is showing. You’re drunk. Go Home. You cannot possibly think that this deserves a 6.9. That tells me that you want to not only re-watch it, but re-watch it with 24 hours of it being shown. Your scale is broken. Go find a designated driver, you lush, and go buy a new scale.)

Keri:  Good match and good use of Jericho. With that being said, it is the level of Jericho that is starting to bother me. KO really doesn’t need Jericho to win a title or act as a mouthpiece for him. KO can do this all on his own. Therefore, I think I will use this opportunity to caution Creative that I’m starting to get slightly bored with the KO and Jericho connection.  Rating: 7 out of 9.2.

Kent:  Uhmmm, who thought that this was fair to leave Jericho in there? Here’s a news flash, Kevin Owens is having one of the all time shittiest runs as a champ at the moment because Rollins is getting pushed harder than he is, as is Roman, Brock, and Goldberg. Hell, Jericho is possibly getting booked better.  KO needs to get as far away from Seth as humanly possible because his stock is crumbling in my eyes. He was doing way better against Cena or Zayn.

  1.  Cruiserweight Championship Match – THE Brian Kendrick def. TJ Perkins

Russ:  Another short match.  For these two the match was mediocre.  They have both put on way better performances.  This one didn’t have that many high flying spots or entertaining sequences that you come to expect with Cruisers.  The story they told was good though and that has to count for something.  Loved how Kendrick played on TJP’s feelings at the end.  He definitely won by hook or by crook! (get it! Cause you know he has the Captain’s Hook as a finisher…)

Rating: 5.3

Keri:  Decent match with decent spots. Are you all seeing a pattern here with the Cruiserweights and my comments? This could have been better especially given the fact that we have see better from both guys before last night. With that being said though, it was nice to see The Brian Kendrick pick up the victory here. I can’t wait to see how his run turns out.  Rating: 5 out of 9.2.

Kent:  Well, this match was also short, but it told a great story, and as I was the first one to suggest that THE Brian Kendrick was taking it off of TJ, despite hearing “But Kent, it’s too soon to take the belt off of him” and “TJ Perkins is my new favorite wrestler” and “TJ Perkins is my man crush of the week” and “I”m Russell and I like to dab”, I was there stating that Kendrick would win. Ballin! (Russ: While I occasionally dabble in dabbing and TJP is pretty awesome and man-crushy.  I did call for THE Brian Kendrick to win!)  

  1.  Tag Team Championship Match – Sheasaro def. New Day via DQ

Russ:  I was hoping that this would end a bit differently so we could finally conclude Sheamus vs. Cesaro in December.  We still might, but it didn’t go the way I thought.  Maybe they need these two for the Survivor Series Tag match.  Think about it RAW has diddly squat for a tag division so it makes sense to keep them as a tag through SS.  Still I was hoping that we could see them start to fall apart and really go at each other.  Oh well, liked the finish anyway, because I didn’t see it ending like that.  

Rating:  4.6

Keri:  Decent match with a slightly creative outcome. I like the way that they kept both teams looking strong with this ending. However, I have a feeling this feud may be over though. At least I hope it is because it is kinda yawn inducing. Rating: 4 out of 9.2

Kent:  Blind people saw this coming. I did like the creative ending at the very least. This was a night of creative finishes. So I won’t totally shit on RAW’s creative, not yet.

  1.  Women’s Championship Match – Charlotte def. Sasha Banks

Russ:  Well way to fuck things up WWE.  To start with: This was a really good match! Both women deserve credit and nothing should be taken away from them!  Told a nice story throughout and the spots seemed well done!  Having Charlotte win??? What the unholy hell is WWE thinking?  They are disgracing this belt having it switch hands so many times in a short period of time (or as Kent called it whoring)  With such a “historical” match (I heard that somewhere) you need to finish on a high note!  Sasha persevering and winning would have been the right call.  Crowd would have been over the moon and the celebration afterwards would have been fantastic.  Instead they swerve us with the wrong swerve!  I’m not Kent I don’t hate Boston because of it’s horrible sports teams.  So I took no pleasure in seeing them angry as shit with the outcome.  All it did for me was take what was possibly a great match and made it feel flat.  I’m not against Charlotte being champion!  Hell since she won it back at Summer Slam I’ve been high on her.  Her heeling has been top notch.  However,  what was the point of putting the belt on Sasha two weeks ago to have her lose it again?  I hope they turn her heel soon because I’m losing interest in her.  Seriously bad move WWE.  

Rating: 7.1  Best match of the night so I guess it was the right call for Main Event, but did the other matches suffer because they had to make this match the best?  

Keri:  I have a couple of comments about this one. First off, this was the match that the women needed to have in order to legitimize their equality with the guys on the roster when it comes to gimmick matches, like HIAC. And, well, both ladies delivered and then some. This was match of the night, based on my recap reading and finding the match on the youtubes. Great job for both ladies! With that being said though, I feel that the ending took away from the overall presentation of the match. Creative is playing hot potato with this belt and its getting annoying. This belt has not been in play for that long (6 months)and we have already had a 3 time women’s champion. Given the emphasis that they are placing on this division, this just seems sloppy to me.  Rating 7.5 out of 9.2 (with one point off for Creative playing belt hot potato)

Kent:  I got some quotes for you.

“Winner: Sasha, they probably won’t make a big deal out of the win either.” – Russ

“I pick Sasha to retain. Because there is no way Creative can botch another segment (or match) “ – Keri

“Charlotte wins because it’s in Boston and it would be hilarious to piss off those assholes that live in Taxachusettes. Fuck you Boston!” – Kent

And damn it feels good to be a gangsta. This is WWE at it’s finest. Every time they seem like they want to make Sasha seem important, they give her the belt and a month later, have Charlotte, the 3 time Women’s champion, beat her. Christ, 3 times already. That belt has been whored around more than a drunk skank at a Halloween party. This is how you do a revolution, right? Lita was crying. HAHAHA. You fucking people thinking that this is elevating anything. You are delusional.  The match was very good for women. Was it the best match, and main event worthy? Hahaha, hell no, bitch please, you must have a mental disease, assume the position and get back down on your knees. Gloating aside, I liked the ending and how it sucked the air out of that shitty arena full of shitty people. Choke on that Slapnuts!

  1.  Best performer of the night?

Russ:  The Brian Kendrick.  Great mental game he played throughout the match.  For a split second I almost thought he actually did hurt his leg.  This was really hard for me, because nothing stood out as fantastic, but nothing major was out-right terrible (take out the Bayley vs. Dana match.)   

Keri:  The Brian Kendrick. Because everything else was predictable.

Kent:  Sasha’s shorts? (Russ: Especially in the final pin.  Should give that camerman a slammy for best placed shot!)  The cameraman who caught Sasha and Charlotte talking their way through the final minute? Normally I would say somebody like Rusev who had a very good match, or THE Brian Kendrick, but I will give the nod to RAW Creative. Think about it, we had some clever match finishes with Kendrick, Sheasaro, and the main event that killed the crowd. Eh fuck it, Sasha’s shorts.

Bonus Deuce

  1.   Best Match of the Night?

Russ:  The women’s main event.  I echo Kent’s statement on this.  It kind of felt like the other two HIAC matches had to not go overboard so that the women’s match could be spectacular.  Don’t get me wrong all three matches were good, but it felt like nothing could be amazing because the last match had to be the bomb diggity.  Overall Score: 5.2 (Kent: I went to Urban Dictionary to see the meaning of Bomb Diggity. Not because I didn’t know, but more because I wanted to see it in writing. Worth it.)

Keri:  The women’s main event. Why? Well, as my counterparts have pointed out, the PPV was booked that way. Think about this question for a second, will you? Let’s say creative put together solid booking for all the matches on last night’s card. Would we still have the same opinion about this match?  Perhaps yes or perhaps no.  (Kent: Definitely no. This isn’t the first time that WWE has forsaken great matches just to make one stand out above and beyond all others.)

Kent:  The women’s main event. Seriously, they fucked over some of the other matches to intentionally put this one on a pedestal.  They booked it that way in a manipulative manner. Roman and Rusev was also a very good match for both guys.

  1.  Worst Match of the Night?

Russ:  Not even close… Bayley vs. Dana.  Dana’s offense was awful.  I know we have to tolerate a few goofy things in wrestling, but this was embarrassing.  

Keri:  Oh look. I’m in agreement with Russ here (surprised anyone? I didn’t think so). Bayley vs. Dana was the worst match of the night. I have two observations about this match. First, this match was booked for one reason and one reason only, to get Bayley on the card. WWE knows what they have with Bayley and they know what it means if she is not on the card. Why the match had to be against Dana though? I have no clue so don’t ask me. Second, Bayley proved last night beyond a shadow of a doubt that Dana was brought up too soon. I seriously believe that Bayley carried Dana the entire match. Creative, Dana, in her current state, is not main roster material. She is not ready and last night proved it. Bring her back down to NXT before you embarrass the poor girl even more than she already has been.

Kent:  Seth vs KO for me. This was the perfect RAW match. It has been done to death and I couldn’t wait for it to be over despite fast forwarding 15 minutes of it. There was very little entertainment value to this one. I hate the handicap idea as nobody on the roster should be able to beat the top 2 heels. When you make things too obvious, don’t be upset at the fans for not giving a fuck. That’s all.

All pictures used in this blog are for review purposes. They are property of WWE and wwe.com.

American Horror Story S:6 Ep:7 – 9 Deuce Discussion

AHS S:6 Ep:7 9 Deuce Discussion

Welcome ladies and gentlemen. I just gotta say, wow. They tried to outdo the Walking Dead with the death count this week. You know who the winner is? We, the fans. This is fantastic. I always have these vague references to dudes with lots of women, and then I consider who my target demographic is and realize that nobody would get the reference, and it makes me sad. Anyway, I am joined by 4 ladies again this week because chicks dig the dolphin smooth look.  I will say thank you to Melanie, Cece, Stef, and Kelly this week. The way this goes is simple. I ask 9 episode specific questions and then 2 bonus questions that can be anything AHS related. I provide plenty of typos and grammatically incorrect questions, and we some fun. Thank you for reading, and thank you ladies for the help!

Please feel free to leave your own questions or comments in the comment section. For example, tell me one person who will be dying this upcoming episode.  Also, was the Priscilla in the opening 5 seconds of the episode?

P.S. Sometimes the formatting messes up and the answers are not the way that they should be. If you notice any errors, feel free to yell at me. My apologies to Kelly as I already botched her #5 response. If others are fucked up, let me know.

 

  1. Who is the most interesting character now that we have had a massacre?

Melanie:  Agnes

Cece:   I am starting to be more interested in Shelby now. She must be feeling so much shit.

Stef:  I think this leaves Dominic as the most “interesting”, after his confession about why he came back to do the show. (Kent: He would have been my answer had Finn not been in this week’s episode. I really dug his confessional.)

Kelly:  It’s going to have to be Lady Gaga because they’ve already revealed that she is the original Supreme and we need some more info on that. (Kent: Yeah, that commercial for her new album was…something. Shame that we haven’t seen her in a couple of weeks now.)

Kent:  It would be incredibly cliche for me to say Pig Head or Priscilla at this point, and although Dom really raised the bar this week, the obvious answer is Finn’s character that we caught briefly glimpses of this week.

 

  1. What’s up with Matt? He claimed to have not remembered his first encounter with Gaga. We now know that he remembers stuff and fell for her. Yet, he was still a dick to Shelby and Dominic. What do you make of Matt now?

Melanie:  This is reason he came back.  He remembered his encounters and couldn’t get enough of that crazy! (Kent: Some dudes are just drawn to crazy chicks. I cannot relate in the least bit.)

Cece:   I still think he is being possessed, or rather, unwillingly enslaved and in debt to her character.

Stef:  Yeah, that was rather confusing. How do you NOT remember things that happened in the woods, but you came back for her because you’re in love with her?? Doesn’t make any sense. Maybe he was still “entranced” when he said that?? Doesn’t matter now, because Shelby bashed the SHIT out of his “non-recollecting” skull.

Kelly:  The only thing I can assume is that she had him in a trance of some sort. Maybe she found out he was back and came to see him again. It doesn’t seem likely he’d come back for her if he really forgot their first encounter. He shouldn’t remember her, which makes sense as to why he was resentful towards Shelby’s affair. What do I make of Matt now? Well, orange juice because he’s pulp. *cue finger guns*

Kent:  OK, while I think that he was in a trance based on how he was walking when he got up and went to the basement, I will just go in a different way. Matt was just playing both sides. He was playing the whole “I’m possessed” bit while pounding some sweet Witch strange. He claimed that, and then he acted all pissed off and defiant about the Shelby thing so he could act the victim and be portrayed in the media as a victim. He was playing that well. Kudos!

 

  1. Were you disappointed by no big name returns this week, or were you satisfied with the episode?

Melanie:  Happy to see Finn Wittrock back!  Let’s be happy for small favors, lol.

Cece:   I’m not sure honestly. I’m still in tune regardless.

Stef:  I found this episode incredibly intriguing, but seeing more familiar faces would’ve made it more fun.

Kelly:  No one wants in on this contract.

Kent:  It appears that had I waited a day or 2, I could have read that we had 1-3 big names return, so I come off looking like a jackass.  Good times.

 

  1. I will probably keep asking this question, sorry for redundancy, but are you sticking with your lone survivor prediction, or are you picking somebody new?

Melanie:  I still think it is Lee.  She will be without a leg, but yes.

Cece:   I may choose someone new due to this episode. My first choice just got turned into jerky. Sooo, I’d say maybe Dominic?

Stef:  Well, Lee was my lone survivor prediction, but uhhhhh…. ??? She’s at least missing parts now. Maybe it’ll be Dominic.

Kelly:  If I stay with one, Shelby (Lily). But at this point you killed off half the damn cast! Who cares who lives!

Kent: Well I predicted not one, but 2 people last week in saying that it was either Rory or possibly Sidney. Well, once again, looking like a jackass. Since I don’t like Lee, I’ll say Lee and hope that the Polks have a big appetite. I am absolutely cheering on Dom though.

 

  1. Pick one: A) Lee was smart for having a gun. B) Lee was a dumbass for not bringing more ammo.

Melanie:  Option B…you always need more ammo.

Cece:   I say both. She did waste most on Edward Mott though. (Kent: I say pick one. You are disqualified.)

Stef:  OMG, B!! Obviously!! Shit.

Kelly: Lee was a dumbass for not bringing more ammo. They didn’t know what they were dealing with! And she should have know out of that trio since she lived through it!

Kent:  B is the right option.  When you watch what I watch, you learn a few things. You don’t shoot your enemy just once. You shoot them at least twice, and one bullet should be for their head. Secondly, you never just hit your assailant just once. You hit until their head is goo. You should also wear a leather jacket and a baseball bat with a female name, but that’s just outrageous and nobody would ever do that.

 

  1. Did Lee, Audrey, and Monet make the right decision, in theory, not utilizing hindsight, in venturing out to find Sidney instead of just going to town? Town is an hour and a half to 2 hour walk depending on pace and getting lost. Sidney’s trailer should be relatively close, so keep that in mind.

Melanie:  Whatever they chose, they would have gotten caught.

Cece:   I think maybe they should have headed to town, but no one really knew what they were gonna find out at the trailer.

Stef:  I wouldn’t have wanted to wander around in those woods, knowing it was going to get dark soon, and potentially end up lost. Trying to find Sidney’s trailer just seemed like the obvious/smarter move.

Kelly:  I think IF I were in that scenario I’d likely choose the trailer first. I feel like that’s instinct to go to the nearest thing first.

Kent:  Knowing what I know, I find the road. I do not walk on the road. I walk close to the road while being in the woods. I keep going until I find a house that looks civilized and take my chances. Why? If I’m ever in a situation with some killers, they have probably watched the same shit that I have and are  waiting to ambush me in the easiest and most likely places to get me. So zig when they are zagging and you may survive. None of my contributors would live, sorry ladies.

 

  1. Would you have eaten some Lee flesh if put in the same position as Audrey and Money were put in by the Polks?

Melanie:  Hell no!

Cece:   Not much of a choice…

Stef:  Oh god, I don’t know. If that were a REAL situation, I may have already been puking.

Kelly:  I don’t think the Polks really care about money… They lived off the land, remember? 😛 (Kent: Sigh….well played. I am notorious for my typos.)

Kent:  Sure, why not? I’m not saying that I am totally psyched about Ma Polk’s seasoning, but if prepared properly, it seems more enticing. I also just watched 6 Wrong Turns last night, so don’t judge me. Also, Pa Polk should have been played by Sid Haig.

 

  1. Is Evan Peters really, only to be in 2 episodes, minus his brief cameo in the tree? If you think that he will be on in one of the 3 final episodes, tell me how, or under what scenario.

Melanie:  Yes!  All people who die on the property come back under the blood moon, right?  So…we will see all of the dead back.  I think that the people who died from the documentary will come to help the living. Besides Matt, who is going to kill Shelby.  (Kent: I really like everything that you just said there and am jelly that I didn’t think about that first.)

Cece:   Maybe his character, since he died there, will return as a ghost? Not sure honestly. I think this may be the end of him.

Stef:  I don’t like to try to predict these things… would rather be surprised.

Kelly:  Let me restate this from last week…
*in a Drew Carey voice* “Welcome back to Coven, where we throw away a flourishing actor’s potential!”

Kent:  Whatever I say, it’s going to be wrong somehow. SO I’m just going to say no more Evan in hopes of him coming back.

 

  1. What has been your favorite death in this half of a season: Diana, Rory, Alissa, Sidney, Matt, or Agnes?

Melanie:  Agnes

Cece:   Matt’s was sick!

Stef:  I did love watching Agnes bow in front of the Butcher to get her face axed, but Matt’s death was completely shocking!

Kelly:  Matt… Strictly because of the irony of TWD just a few nights prior!

Kent:  I liked Agnes’ best, because it felt sincere. She finally got to meet her hero, so that’s the way to go.  Matt’s, well 3 nights prior, I saw how that death happens, and how it was done better. Had there been man ass or had we seen more of the Witch, I could have been inclined to change my answer.  I’m really sad that nobody chose Rory’s hilarious death. I can’t tell if AHS is just ripping off Walking Dead or paying homage at this point. First, they mentioned them by name in last week’s opening. Secondly, their star is actually British. Finally, they head bashed in death knowing full well which week TWD was doing theirs. I’m still hoping homage, but they should probably stop. If somebody starts using a crossbow though, and then I’m calling out AHS.

 

Bonus Deuce

 

  1. This is Cuba Gooding Jr.’s best role since _____ (name the role and or film, unless this is his best in your opinion)?

Melanie: Especially loved him in Jerry Maguire.

Cece:   I haven’t watched in much, honestly. Last thing I remember seeing him in is ‘Snow Dogs’ honestly. Lmfao.

Stef:  I’m not a huge movie buff… I’m no good at answering this.

Kelly:  Snow Dogs! He’s been in so many other noteworthy films since then, but that’s always the first one I associate with his name.

Kent:  Boyz n the Hood. That movie brought a new light on a culture that wasn’t terribly prominent in big films at the time. That movie is still one of my favorites, as is Menace II Society.

 

  1. With only 3 episodes remaining, will we get more on Priscilla or Pig Head’s back story, or do you think that they have moved on at this point?

is-that-priscilla

Melanie:  Neither.  Sorry Kent…you will never know more about Priscilla.

Cece:   I believe we will see more of Priscilla’s. Not sure about Piggy.

Stef:  I’m really kind of thinking/hoping that Pricilla will step in to help someone, somehow. So MAYBE they’ll give us a little more story on her.

Kelly:  Pig Head we’ll at least see again due to next week’s preview, but not sure about any origin stories being told this time around. I have an inkling Murphy’s “secret season” that’s in the works might be a bonus to this one since we’ve gotten crap for 7 episodes straight and this season is mysteriously only 10 episodes long.

Kent:  On one hand, there’s only 3 episodes to go and we still have some major players to introduce into the fold. On the other hand, they just massacred half of the damn cast, so they did open up some time in theory for some backstory. I feel that we will get one and not the other, and as much as Pig Head has been my boy all season long, I need to know more about Priscilla.

All pictures used in this blog are for review purposes. They are the property of the FX Network, Ryan Murphy, and whoever else is involved.

#391 Wrong Turn 6: Last Resort (2014)

And we are at the final chapter for now, and my goodness, this girl is totally nude and has a fantastic body. So the story is that Danny gains an inheritance, which is this old hotel with hot springs, established in 1902. The caretakers are a tad odd, Jackson and Sally. We also know the cannibals have to be around somewhere. Jackson is in on it with the cannibals, so Sally probably is too.  Jillian is an obnoxious piece of shit, so she will presumably die early on.  Jackson just gave our 3 boys the business, and said to leave Danny and company alone.  Wait, Toni runs normal, not like a girl in a horror flick. I am amazed.

I just finished, and this had a different director than 3,4 & 5, and it shows. This one had a story again. That is nice. This one wasn’t just an outrageous kill fest. This one went deeper into the roots of the family.  This was actually a fun movie that you could enjoy the story. Sure, it’s far from flawless, but there was some substance here, thankfully. This evolved nicely. I know that some people hated this, and the same can be said for all of them.  A lot of people preferred 4 over 3 and 5. Morons aside, this left me wanting more. I stopped wanting more but now I am ready to go if we can ever get a part 7.

Rating – 5.1 as I think I would watch this one again. The chick in teh beginning was amazing, lots of gratuitous nudity, the kills were fun, and I liked Danny’s evolution as a character.

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#390 Wrong Turn 5: Bloodlines (2012)

Well this has to be an improvement over part 4 and illogical fallacies of the decision to not kill when you have them trapped. Fuck you film, you aren’t winning me over with tits this time. After the guy kills Kaleen in the beginning, why is his axe clean seconds later? How the fuck does the bow and arrow guy fire off 2 shots less than 2 seconds apart? Why did the officer shoot first? Who keeps paying for these movies to be made?

So far, this is infinitely better than part 4 and part 3 for that matter. I like the idea of people dressed like the hillbillies for Halloween. More importantly, I like having Doug Bradley involved. OK, Lita is getting the water ready for her shower and the water is cold, so she sticks her hand in there, and say “Ow”. What the hell? Is cold water painful to your hand? The sheriff lady is dumb as fuck as well. Lita, you are the worst in this movie. Your game plan is to hit an intruder once in the head and then run? Seriously? Fucking finish the job!  OK, and what is the point in them taking sledgehammers to Gus’ legs? Aren’t they supposed to be cannibals? Aren’t you just ruining the meat? OH, they ran him over after.  Once again, what is the point? HAHA, she has deputized Billy, Julian, and Mose to make it through the night and gave them shotguns. Oh, I am Kentertained. And then she leaves them after saying not to split up. This is just insulting to the viewer’s intelligence. 35-40 minutes remaining. Ugh. I should be drinking. The guys in the jail hear her fire a shot, and they decide to not go check it out. Wow…. just wow.  Lita has made it to the Sheriff station.

Billy and Julian are now leaving to find Cruz, and leaving 2 women, a drunk, and Pinhead at the station. Smart. Well they find Cruz and get attacked, as expected. Both guys deserve to die. Haha, Billy is buried up to his neck on a soccer field, and Julian has a chain attached to his leg. Oh, here comes the sweet snow blower and both guys get got.   Sheriff is going to send Mose out for help. Maynard is still trying to get himself set free. Lita wants to set Maynard free to end this, but Sheriff is stubborn. So Sheriff and Mose are outside. Smart. Well, Mose is driving, so probably somebody is in the backseat, because this is horror.  Mose runs over the barbed wire and totally crashes. Of course. It sucks because Mose and Maynard are clearly the 2 best characters, and we know Mose isn’t surviving, we’ve known this all along. They lock Mose into a barrel, and i believe that they intend to roast him. Mose just got burned and then exploded.  Oh, Maynard has convinced Lita to let him out. Good for him. Haha, she did it, he did it. Hahahahahahahaha, He just took out both of Lita’s eyes, has a gun, and Sheriff shot him. Haha, fuck you Lita.  Sheriff locks him back up. I am so happy with Maynard now. Lita stayed right on top of her but she wasn’t fast enough to pull the trigger. Sheriff is no going outside for help and hears her boyfriend, Jason, and he has tape over her mouth, ropes attached to the door, he shakes his head no so she continues opening up the door, which cuts open his torso and he dies. Three Fingers just beat the shit out of Sheriff. Hey, what a surprise, the 2 dumbest bitches are the final survivors.  Why?

Good, Maynard has duct tapes a shotgun to the Sheriff’s mouth and it is rigged so that when she gets off of her tip toes, she will execute herself. OH, and an added bonus, lights the jail on fire.  Good. She deserved it for being a moron. So long Sheriff. Good job Maynard! Since this takes place before the original Wrong Turns, Maynard is actually the Old Timer from parts 1 & 2. Nice job with continuity.  Maynard and the boys pick up Lita walking the on the road. Haha.

Rating – 4.0 back to what I expected from this franchise. Some insulting your intelligence stuff, but nothing so awful that you want to murder shit. Maynard really made this movie. I would consider watching this again, gun to my head.

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#389 Wrong Turn 4: Bloody Beginnings (2011)

This film starts in a sanitarium in 1974.  We meet Dr. Ryan and Bobby, who is nice looking and we meet the original 3 Fingers, One Eye, and Saw Tooth. Yeah, they have names. They also got a bobby pin from Bobby and have unlocked their cells. Awesome. Apparently they don’t feel pain. They killed an orderly and then set everybody free. Yeah, this is going to hell fast bad awesomely. We see the patients run amok. They electroshock therapy Bobby. Like, really, these hillbillies are smart enough to know how to do so much shit. Bobby is as good as fried and smoking. Now they get at Dr. Brendan Ryan.  He have his arms and legs bound in barber wire and his limbs get pulled apart by this machine. Really, where did the barbed wire come from?

It’s 2003.  Well, 2 pairs of tits, some ass. This is just fine.  A black chick and a white chick, oh and the black chick is getting eaten out by a chick. Well, that’s how you get a guy’s attention.  We meet most everybody. Daniel is the safety guy, guy was plowing the one chick. Daniel just said that he’s going to make a wrong turn. Well played. It is winter, and this group of 8 people are out in the winter on snowmobiles, get lost, and it’s flurrying, and they find a building. You know which building.  OK, enough typing, time to attempt to enjoy this.

Kenia is the black haired chick.  Bridget is the Asian girl who went down on the black chick. There’s a Kyle, Vincent, and Daniel. Too many girls. Boooo.  Jenna is the brunette.  Claire is the blonde.  Vincent is the taller guy in blue.  We have seen the psychos have returned with a fresh kill, probably their friend Porter.

Oh come the fuck on! This fucking blog didn’t save properly and I just lost a ton of shit for this shitty fucking movie. Well, here, let me say that there were 4 chick and one dude, they got all 3 of the people locked in a cell, they poured the kerosene, and Kenia talked the dude into lighting them on fire and killing the people have have taken out like 4 of your people. Such a dumb fucking movie. Dumb fucking bitch. Dumb fucking dude who should have told her to go fuck himself. Well he dies leaving 4 girls and a raging headache. I want everybody dead. I hate this movie. Move over House of Good and Evil, we have hit a new low this month.

Rating – 1.2 Because this is straight up garbage juice. This is just as bad as the 2016 USA Presidential Election. Fuck the logical fallacies. There was no common sense and nobody wants to see bitches live and falling down in the snow. I hate everyone at this moment. I will NEVER watch this movie again. Really, Bridget made the final 3?  I think Kenia did too. The 2 more worthless people in the film made the final 3. This is such a bad, stupid, lousy, piece of fucking shit film. Fuck I am angry.

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#388 Wrong Turn 3: Left For Dead (2009)

I remember seeing this one day while at work for Liberty. One of the guys I took care of loved his horror, and he wanted to see this and some tits. 3:40 in, he was pleased. Arrow through the perfect tit. Awww.  And we are back in action!

So 3 out of 4 people died in the beginning. Then we get a story about 5 prisoners who are getting transported to another prison. Well, one of the hillbilly dudes in a tow truck runs the bus off the road in an absolutely ridiculous scene where the bus driver should have simply rammed them, but whatever. One of the 3 officers is hurt, and one is dead. The prisoners have a shot gun and a handgun now, but are still shackled. They run into Alex, the sole survivor from the opening.  This is our group. Nate and Walter are the 2 remaining officers. The head prisoner is Chavez, then there’s Floyd, Willy, Crawford, and Brandon. Well, Walter got a bullet in his bubblegoose.  How much ammo have these dumb fucks wasted? One shot has been useful out of about 15. Willy lost his face, got sliced off, Crawford ended up in a razor wire trap and got dragged on the street to death. Oh boy. Chavez and Floyd just got into it, so Nate and Alex bail and Brandon just watches. Floyd got wrecked by Chavez in that fight.

The Sheriff and his dog shows up, gets control, Floyd steals the money. Sheriff is killed. Floyd then gets killed and burns all of the money. Down to Chavez, Nate, Alex, and Brandon. They find the tow truck, and Chavez gives the dude the girl so he drives off. Brandon hits Chavez from behind, knocks him out. Nate is going to try to find Alex, and Brandon is going to try to escape. At Three Toes place, we see a bitch tied up with her tits out. I think it was Sophie.  Awww man, fuckface just killed the dog!! What a dick! Die motha fucka, die!!!

This ends with Nate saving Alex and Three Toes getting hurt, possibly killed, but this is horror. Brandon is still on the run. Oh God, nope, this isn’t over. Holy fuck is this terrible and cheesy as fuck. Three Toes ends up on the road as they are driving away, uses a meat hook to snag himself onto the vehicle. Then hurts Nat really badly and drive off of the road, and this is now causing a fire. Brandon shows up and rescues Alex and Nate, and Three Toes comes at them again, but meat hook to the head and we can assume that he is dead, I guess. Nate tells Brandon that he will report him as dead and to stay out of trouble. Nate and Alex get rescued. We later see Nate go back to the money truck, get a bunch of money, killed by Brandon, who was a bad guy all along, who then gets killed by another hillbilly. For fuck’s sakes.

God damnit, that ending was terrible. So technically, only a female survived. Great, thanks guys. Well, this was getting into the 4’s, but with that ending, NOPE.

Rating – 2.7 because that last 5 minutes was complete trash and they should apologize to fans for that shit. The rest was mediocre to average, but fuck, that ending just ruined the film.

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#387 Wrong Turn 2: Dead End (2007)

Well, why not enjoy a direct to video sequel, right? 4 minutes in, and a guy says wrong turn.  Sold. Also, Kimberly was listening to Electric Avenus on the radio as she runs over a dude.  It’s 7 minutes in and painfully obvious why this is a direct to video film. The intestines…don’t look that great.

On the plus side, Henry Rollins is in this and he’s like a retired military dude who is a survivalist expert who is hosting a shitty reality show called Ultimate Survivalist: Apocalypse. Yay, we have a token black dude and the sex kitten. This has potential.  The skateboard dude was hitting on a chick about trying to get laid and told her that he’d give her something to choke on.  So I am trying to figure out who wins and survives, and I am guessing Mara. I need to get some names again. Jake is the black dude. Jonesy is the skateboard guy. Nina is the hot vegan with bright blonde highlights, and her hair looks terrible. Mara is Mike’s woman who was never supposed to be a contestant. Amber is the military chick, and a lesbian. Poor Jonesy. Elena is the flirty whore. There, that’s established. Rollins got captured by the way.

So far, Mara is the most likable person, unless Elena gets nude, then that’s ups her game. Annnnd there is Elena’s tits!!! Fantastic. She will die, I’m sure, but good for her. Jake keeps turning her down because he’s a good dude, but Elena is a whore so she’s gonna give Mike a BJ to stay relevant on the show. Fabulous. Hahaha, and Mara sees Mike getting the aforementioned BJ. Awesome!

Mara and Nina end up at one of the house, see a lady give birth to a very deformed baby, and they escape the house surprisingly well. And Mara is dead and there goes that prediction. So next prediction is Nine as Amber is too obvious.  Haha, classic dick move, Mike wants to keep getting laid a secret because he feels that Mara is the one. Yeah, the one who died first. Haha, inbred jacking it to Elena tanning and she has a sweet ass. Oh, and she dead. Nina is now with Jonesy, Jake, and Amber, who have been unknowingly eating Kimberly this whole time. Also, Mike got captured in the RV. Haha, Rollins killed the old timer from the original by blowing him up with dynamite. It was fun.  The 4 person group found the horny one and his bitch fucking, and they interrupted. Nina took off and the other 3 stayed and fought then ran. YES, the 3 decide to split up. This always works in horror movies, and Nina is trapped. She fell into a pit, but Jake saved the day, and then dislocated his bad shoulder.

Rollins is making dynamite arrows. Fantastic. He’s had the best role. Amber and Jonesy are struggling and Jonesy just stepped into a trap that has hoisted him into the air.  Amber goes to save him, Jonesy tells her to run, but she steps into a trap too. Haha. Oh man, one arrow through both of their eyes. Well done! Take that Denise from Walking Dead! What is up with lesbians getting an arrow through the eye? We are down to Nina, Jake, Mike, and Rollins. Nina and Jake make it to the paper mill and I will assume most of the rest of the film stays here.  Mike is dead, Jake had a bad time, Nina is captured, and Rollins is on the hunt. Well, yeah, this dragged the last 15 minutes or so, and Rollins got a sweet death. The black guy lived, as did Nine, but the black guy fucking lived!!!! Woohoo!

This was never meant to be anything other than fun, and while it was fun, I would have enjoyed them including more of the challenges for the TV show. Why they would pick a location without scouting it first, well that’s just a thing that they would do. It was a nice mix of characters, and I honestly expected worse from this. Would I watch it again? I’m going to guess no, but maybe.

Rating – 4.5 because it was a fun movie that kept me entertained most of the way until the end. It wasn’t turrible.

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#386 Wrong Turn (2003)

This movie has spawned a ton of sequels. Since I am digging this season of American Horror Story, a franchise about some backwoods folk seems reasonable.  We are dealing with some mountain men cannibals who are mutated from generation of inbreeding. Sound familiar? Yeah, thought so. So kick back and enjoy.

I don’t remember much other than Jeremy Sisto and Eliza Dushku are in this, and I love Sisto, and that he dies early. That’s what I recall.  I never under Eliza’s appeal. She doesn’t stand out to me I guess. There’s nothing wrong with her, I simply remember that she was very popular for a bit, and I never understood the hype. The chick playing Carly is wearing sweatpants, that’s just….terrible. Of course Sisto’s sunflower necklace is terrible too. Like everybody looks like tools is my point. I think that adds to this film though to be honest.  Francine is the absolute worst character, so you know that early on, good stuff happens to her. Her boyfriend Evan gets it first, then she gets barbed wire to her face. Awesome. This is a movie where you absolutely want every character to die.

Sisto doing the “Can I get an oooo oooo” is great. Well, so far, Evan and Francine are fucked. Chris has joined Jessie, Carly, and Scott, and they make it to a house that nobody is answering the door, and a Deliverance reference. Oh, and Carly has to pee. Like serious, you are on in the woods, you know what to do. At the 26 minute mark, we get a…..record player. Seriously.  This place is well designed, so props to the production crew on this.  I love it, they find her the bathroom. She has been whining about needing to piss for a few minutes now. So she is in the bathroom, and she looks in the mirror, fixes her hair, looks around….like bitch, you had to piss so bad, keep wasting time in this house that you are trespassing in. Back of my fucking hand.

They finally decide to bail just as the people are pulling in the driveway. I say you just walk out and say that you were looking for some help while all 4 of you are together. You take your chances rather than hiding. Now they see Francine’s dead body on the ground, and I stand by my idea. Strength in numbers! Eliza, you breathe too heavily, dumbass. So if they had ever seen a horror movie in their lives, they would know to walk the the way that you came from, because that is the known. You don’t go in a stranger’s house. You piss in the woods. There, I just saved everybody’s life, but am willing to sacrifice Francine and Evan for the good of the cause. They go to leave while the guys are sleeping, so let’s make as much noise as humanly possible. Love it.

I now recall why this movie irritated me. 2 of the 3 last people are Carly, who exhibits zero common sense or survival skills, and Jessie who breathes heavy and makes so much fucking noise as to draw attention to her and anybody else trying to hide. She really fucks the group over, and that shit is not fair. The whole thing is cool and yet the outcome is bullshit. Just let it be realistic. Chris is a dude with a  shot leg and is still more useful than the girls. You want equal rights and equal pay, but in a horror movie, women rarely ever step up to the plate in an reasonable way that would help others survive.

Rating – 5.1 as I think I have seen this like 5 times…..5 begrudgingly bad times.

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#385 10 Cloverfield Lane (2016)

This is a continuation of the Cloverfield franchise. It stars John Goodman, Mary Elizabeth Winstead, and John Gallagher Jr. If you know anything about me, you know that John Goodman’s portrayal of Walter is on my Mount Rushmore of film characters, and I have been a fan of his since I first saw him in Roseanne and throughout the years, he continues to impress me with his range. This film showcases a lot of what he can bring to the table.

We first meet Michelle who ends up in a car accident. She wakes up in this basement, which turns out to be a bunker, and Howard has saved her. She is very suspicious of him as he has her chained up, but he has also tended to her wounds, kept her fed, and more importantly, kept her safe. She wants to be set free, but he explains to her that something happened to the air, and everything is fucked outside, and that he basically saved her life and Emmett’s. Emmett lived nearby and knew about Howard’s bunker and when the explosion happened, or shit went down, Emmett fought to get into Howard’s place. Howard has also lost his daughter, Megan, prior to all of this stuff going down and he refers to her a lot. Howard has a very quick temper, and he served in the military.

The questions that we must ask is whether Howard is in fact crazy. He did after all cause her car accident. Did this stuff really happen, or is Emmett just a tad slow in the head. Michelle continues to find things that lend credence to her suspicions while there are time when Howard seems to legitimately be telling the truth. So you are kept in suspense throughout trying to figure out the truth.

Personally, I think Howard was a 90% decent dude. He had his rules, but he ran a tight ship and kept them alive. But the uncertainty and suspicion never allowed them to fully trust him, despite the evidence of seeing a lady dying outside, looking like she had some bad disease and was begging to come inside. I won’t spoil the ending, but it really is a well done and suspenseful film. Hell, even if you know what’s coming, because there were only so many outcomes, and everybody always says that they knew the ending before it happened to try to sound smart, which is absurd, but it happens. It’s like, yes, there are always going to be people who guess something right, but to out and out say 30 minutes in, this is exactly how it plays out, people rarely get it right if the movie is well done, like say The Usual Suspects or Suicide Kings. I can say that my one time that I easily knew the twist was with The Sixth Sense, and yet my buddies all were in agreement, so not much of a twist in my opinion.

The last 15 minutes is really well done to give you more questions. The acting was top notch here, everything looked good. This is the kind of film that really deserved to be a theatrical release.

Rating – 7.0 I thought really highly of this one, and I know other people thought it was garbage. To each their own, but those people are wrong. HA!

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#384 The Boy (2016)

Here’s a movie starring Maggie from The Walking Dead, Miss Lauren Cohen. It had promise, but did it ultimately deliver?

I’m going to jump straight to the point. If you like creepy doll movies, the first hour will be enjoyable. The pacing was fine, and everything was going good and it could have absolutely delivered. Lauren and Rupert Evans, who played Malcolm, along with Brahms parents were all very solid, and I was cautiously optimistic, yet totally feared what may come.  Now, I am about to spoil the hell out of this film. I’m giving it a 5.1 rating because I could see myself being bored and re-watching it, but the ending was very dissatisfying. Spoiler alert, so stop reading now if you haven’t seen this.

SPOILERS

 

SPOILERS

 

Have you ever seen Housebound? It’s on NetFlix and it’s really good and well done. I have read that Bad Ronald and Crawlspace. I don’t know which one as  there are like 5 of them, but at least one of them is similar. Brahms was alive and living within the walls all this time, the parents faked his death so he wouldn’t get in trouble for murder. They then killed themselves feeling that they had done all that they could and left him in good hands, basically. Sigh. This movie would have been SOOOOO much better if the doll was just a fucked up doll. Yes, we have seen both ideas done before, so this combined the efforts in a sense. My issue is that aside from some really terrible ending, this was the least satisfying way to go. Malcolm should have had ill intentions in my opinion. Cole was always going to be a douche. The key to this being great lied within it being supernatural all along, or Malcolm being a psycho.

The tension was good by and large. This was never going to change the world of horror, nor was it trying to. But this did get a theatrical release, and in order to get a theatrical release, I feel that we deserved more. Hats off to the actors, just not the writers, unfortunately. You could do way, way, WAY worse though. Just wasted potential.

Rating – 5.1 as I said, due to how good the first hour was.

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